UPK results in....not OK!

It's been a truly trying week.
We got our Universal Pre-K results.
Jack got waitlisted at every school we put on our list, including PS 20, our zoned school in Fort Greene, Brooklyn. He got an offer at a school we have never even heard off, outside of our district.

UPK is a truly wonderful thing, helping to alleviate the incredibly high cost of childcare for working parents here in NYC. But my goodness - the struggle!

The worst part is that I blame myself. We did everything we could - we got the application in the day the NYC Schools platform opened (the evening before actually, I logged on and saw it opened early). We only included 6 schools vs. the maximum of 12 or 15 that we were allowed. But we put only the schools that we wanted to send him to, as directed. But the problem is - we were cocky. We thought we'd get in. We didn't establish a true back up plan. I have been lucky with things like this my whole life, and I just thought - he is zoned for PS 20, let the gods look down upon us and make it so.

So now here we are...in wait-land. Waiting to see if Jack gets into a 2nd choice school that we are not zoned for, in a less than convenient location from us. Waiting and hoping that our current private school does not fill up for next year, so that we still have that as a backup option.

I took this time off from my job, well quit, thinking it would be this luxuriously enriching time. More time for me - to care for my health, to care for my self, to enrich my spirit and soul with classes and books and movies and meet ups and events...to spend more time with my son, to figure out life more broadly and generally. It has not worked out like that.

It feels like every week, a new bomb is thrown our way. It detonates and we scramble, trying to figure out what to do next. I spent all of Tuesday in a womblike state after Monday's results came in.

(This is a little bit ridiculous I know. This is not a life or death situation. Where Jack goes to Pre-K is not going to significantly impact or alter for better or worse his future development and life prospects. But still, it matters. Because we want him to go to a good school, of course, and because proximity matters and lack of it impacts our entire family.)

Wednesday, I biked around multiple Brooklyn boroughs, stopping at our 6 listed schools to find out Jack's status on the waitlists, and to the DOE (Dept of Edu) and lastly, to the DOE welcome center for our District and zone (13).

At least now, I have more information. I know where he stands. PS 20 is a complete and utter stretch - a unicorn in the realm of the UPK system. And it is a system. A very imperfect system. I'm so glad for it. And I'm so mad at it too.

Dry Clothes, Wet Eyes

Written August 12, 2018

The owner of our local laundromat comes towards me as I was pulling my dried clothes out of the 2nd dryer I had used and says to me, “you are a strong woman.”

The timing was right. At that moment I was feeling pretty frustrated and overwhelmed in life - about work, caring for my all hands on deck child, feeling like there is no time for me, wondering why I am 41 years old and am still hauling laundry to and from the laundromat. All these things are running through my head as he says these words and I think, “this person sees me”. In that split second, my initial thought is that the owner of the laundromat sees all that I am doing, as a woman, as a mother, as a wife, to keep our ship afloat, to keep our everyday moving smoothly, to keep us in clean clothes...the hauling of the child, the hauling of laundry, the intensity of living in NYC. He see this, knows I need recognition, and is going to give me just that.

But no, that was not it at all. He went on to show me how to properly, and much more gently, close the dryer machine door.

Here I am!

So....3 years have passed...

Everything and nothing has changed.
Jack is nearly 4 years old.
We are still in the same apt in Fort Greene. It no longer feels like positive change (see earlier blog post).
I just resigned from my job. Big news!
I am in the process of adjusting to my new life, a new life pace, and am trying to set the foundation for what I want to do next.
I am still "figuring it out". And...
...inevitably, I'm still Stuck & Dry!

I have written quite a few bits and pieces since I have quit, and even before, and I am going to start copying them over...the posts won't be in chronological order, but better to have the writing than not....I thought about creating a new blog, but I already have so many that I have started and then stopped. I'd rather to keep following through, and continue this trajectory...

Tiny=adorable

Breaking the Bundle One Stick at a Time

My Dad loved quotes, and one of the great ones he used to repeat was "break the bundle one stick at a time".

It is a great quote, but it's not really in my nature to break the bundle one stick at a time. I'm kind of an attack until it is finished kind of person. I generally hate lingering/unfinished business hanging over my head. I want to be done with it and move onto the next thing. This sometimes leads me to "beat a dead horse" (to incorporate another great saying) for the sake of completion.

But since I have had Jack, I have come to (have had to) appreciate the value of incrementality, of doing things in small bits. When you have a newborn child, you generally can't always finish what you start, in a linear sequence. This applies to projects both large and small. For instance, it took me three days to complete a simple apple crisp recipe this week...Day 1: peeled and chopped the apples, Day 2: did nothing, Day 3: made the crispy topping and finally, baked!  Perhaps there is a market opportunity in extreme slow food for moms? But I digress...

It can be very frustrating at times when simple things (e.g. showering) become elevated to the level of projects and when our lives seem to be in a constant state of interruption (e.g. applying lotion to one's body has now become a project in and of itself and cannot, often, be completed directly after shower project). But on the flip side, there is value.

Forced interruption can be a good thing: it can remind us to give whatever we are doing a little breathing room. Sometimes things - especially things which require thought - turn out much better if you can put them down for a few hours, or sometimes a few days. Sometimes we need to give them a little space. Other times, they are so large that you can't possibly figure them out all at once. You need to tackle one part first and see how it plays out, before you can figure out your next move.

Here's too chipping away at things in bits, one stick at a time, and living a more incremental and, perhaps, thoughtful life. Apple crisp is always worth waiting for.

Bringin' back the pack

I was both delighted and disturbed to see the recent feature in the New York Times magazine a couple of weeks back on the virtues of the fanny pack. Delighted, because the writing is hysterical, and so true. Disturbed, because I had only recently declared (to myself and to my husband, and also to my mom), that I wanted to bring back the fanny pack, for moms.

Then - boom! - this article comes out and now everyone will think that I read it and followed suit. Oh well, small price to pay. I am going with it...the fanny pack is THE ideal fashion accessory for new moms. Easy, hands free access to your keys, your $, your phone, all while hiding your slow to disappear, still-distended belly. It doesn't get better. Bam. Happy Thursday Ladies.

Ease in...

...and nearly another two months later, I am back! This is quite a pace I am setting...

In the meantime, Jack and Johnny and I moved - to Fort Greene! What a wonderful neighborhood for new moms, my goodness. Seems like such a strong, vibrant community. I loved Brooklyn Heights but the difference in energy is night and day.

After 9 years living in a 465 square foot 1 bedroom apartment, it feels so wonderful to have positive change. We are renting a light filled and spacious (relatively) 2 bedroom...it feels glorious. Despite the downgrade in amenities (no dishwasher, no washer/dryer), it feels more luxurious. I think/I know I was going a bit batty in my little living room...there was no where to go, I just kind of had to circle the living room. I felt like I was living that creepy short story I read in high school - The Yellow Wallpaper - only our living room is grey, and painted. I've got to reread that one sometime - in my free time!

So many topics I have collected to write about...but I keep getting stalled out and it takes some easing back in, forcing me to write ease in entries before I get to what I actually wanted to write about. I need to get much better about writing when the thinking strikes me, or else I feel the topic loses its interest (to me at least), and might feel a little forces/stale.

All for this ease in entry...hope to be back very very soon.

57 Days Later...

So much for blogging every day!

I have a baby - little Jack was born on June 10th at 12:35pm. He was indeed little - 6 lbs 11 oz, but he is getting bigger and is over 9 lbs as of last week. He is 6 weeks and 6 days old. It has been quite a ride...

So much so that I have not been able to find time to blog. But every once in a while, I would capture my random thoughts and seeds of ideas for blog posts, to be written at a future date. I am finally pulling myself out of the brand new baby stupor, and am sort of getting into the swing of things...enough that I think I can start finding some time to write much more frequently, if not every day.

In my last post, I wrote about the extended "last minute" dash my husband and I were on to prep for baby. I think that was what ultimately pushed little Jack to be born. He was four days late and we were still at it - cleaning up the apt, throwing things away, running around town...On the day my water broke, we had just installed a new AC unit, by ourselves. It was heavy.

My sister in law had told us to order chinese food to try to induce labor - it had worked like a charm for her. Something about the MSG. Immediately after concluding my meal with my ceremonial fortune cookie, my water broke. It wasn't like the movies, so I called the hospital for clarification on what it was that had just happened. They weren't really sure, told me to wait a couple of hours and let them know if another "event" happened. Another event happened. At around 12:30am, Johnny (3 glasses into a bottle of rose) and I headed up to the hospital, him in, what I can assume was a pleasant rose stupor, me feeling like a paranoid paranoid fool. Didn't everyone tell me to wait as long as possible before going to the hospital? But alas, when we got there, they said my water had broken and I wasn't going home without a baby.

My water had broke, but my labor hadn't really started (there was only very slight cramping) and I wasn't really dilated. The hospital would take care of that for me. A few hours later (say 4:30am), I was on Pitocin, a couple of hours after that, I was hooked up to an epidural. They said I wouldn't go into labor until the evening and I couldn't imagine being that "uncomfortable" for 9 more hours. A few more hours after that I was getting a C-section as the baby's heart rate was dipping as the contractions got stronger and the Dr. did not think he would respond well to labor. While unexpected, you do what they say to do. C-section it was! I just wanted baby out, healthy, alive and kicking. And that is exactly how he did come out - and also screaming.

When they pulled him out and held him up for us, Johnny and I both looked at each other in disbelief - our little baby looked like Mick Jagger. His lips were enormous! What had we done...hah! But seriously,  they were huge. We didn't know that babies come out looking a bit swollen...things settled into place quite quickly.

I stayed in the hospital for 4 nights, which, I never thought I'd say, was amazing. The nurses were so good at Weill Cornell - they made all the difference. I do not know what I would do if I had to go home after only 1 night, so in a way the C-section had a positive side to it.

I don't need to recount every single thing that happened to me since June 10th...we did it, we named him Jack...he is as adorable as we dared to hope he would be. Figuring him out is taking some work, but I assume it will take a lifetime....all in all, he's a pretty darn good little baby.

From here, I think I will transition to the random thoughts and topics that come to me...why? who knows...because I like to write....because it makes me feel good, like I accomplished something...and because I like sharing...now I just need some people to find me....

June 1: 5 days 'til Junior (the countdown)

Ok, so much for writing every day. And so long to the "everything I did today format". So boring...

It's day 25 of mat leave. I cannot believe it has almost been a month....and 5 days to go until junior is predicted to make his appearance. We will see. I think most people near and dear to me think he is going to be late. I am predicting an on-time(ish) arrival.

Everything about getting pregnant has been so scientific, so documented, so trackable (e.g. we know exact dates for when the egg was fertilized and transferred), and I just assume (perhaps incorrectly), that the due date / timing for his appearance will be just as, well, predictable and logical.

Interestingly enough, as an aside, I don't actually know what junior's true retrieval date. You see, I had 2 eggs successfully retrieved, fertilized and frozen (remind me to check). One of them was defrosted and is to become junior. Knock on wood. But the weird thing is - I don't know which one was selected. So, technically, if I was to have junior and then decide we wanted to try to have another, the 2nd fertilized/frozen embryo might in actuality be older than junior, but would be born as the 2nd child. And on top of that, if one was into astrology, who knows what month/sign is junior's actual...he was frozen for a period of time, so his birth date/month is different from what it would be had he been conceived naturally and according to a true 40 week cycle (from ovulation/conception to birth). But that ignores the fact that he most likely would never have been born without the science (IVF).

That felt like a whole lot of rambling. It feels like I haven't written in a while and am just warming back up...

In terms of life...

I am currently at a coffee shop (vineapple) in the neighborhood - just doing a little reading and internet-connecting while kicking myself out of the apt while the living room gets painted.

It was an "entense" weekend of running around, but kind of fun. Nothing like deciding to revamp the apartment in the 2 weeks left to spare pre-Junior. Johnny and I picked paint colors for the living room (Benjamin Moore Stonington Gray + Chantilly Lace). We have been "decluttering" and threw away a ton of books as well as donated a lot of clothes to Goodwill. We picked out an amazing blue vintage Norwegian lounger/rocker chair with ottoman on Etsy (hoping we get confirmation of order today...), and are in the process of picking out a new couch and coffee table. So what is happening with the massive, hulking cheese press coffee table we currently own? It is getting picked up tomorrow by Brooklyn Reclamation. Not getting too much $ for it, but it is worth it to us to just have it be gone. We loved it, but it is heavy and it has had its day in our lived. Time to lighten our load (as we gain a whole bunch of other new loads). Our next challenge (after paint job is finished) is to sell our current couch (hopefully for a good price) and pick out a new, lighter, smaller one. We are hoping these little changes will make a big difference to clean the place up and make it really livable for the next few months to a year (to two years - hah - but seriously).

That's what has been going on this past weekend/on tap for this week.

Last week I spent a few days upstate. It will likely be the last time I go up before baby is born and I wanted to spend time with my Dad while I could. It was a good trip - It was fun to hang with my mom, and I am glad to give her reasons to get out of the house and get her mind off of things, and just to talk. We saw the Olana River Crossings exhibit - my 2nd time (1st with Mad). Next I will take Johnny and be nearly qualified to give the tour.

My dad is not doing so well. I can get into this more in later posts. I am still unsure how much I want to reveal. He is weak and tired and seems very disengaged. I can't imagine what it feels like to be in his shoes - physically, mentally, emotionally - but it's not so easy being in our shoes either. I wish there was more I could do, to be of help, to be of comfort. Maybe there is. The answer has not yet revealed itself and I'm not sure if it ever will.

MAT LEAVE: DAY 5

Today, Tuesday, is my 5th day of Mat Leave.

It was another good day. Gorgeous out - 80+ degrees and sunny for the most part.

I bagged my dreams of making homemade chocolate croissants after seeing I'd need to purchase a kitchen scale as well as a dough hook for my Cuisinart or hand mixer. There were just one too many steps on top of that…now is not the time.

SO! Instead - I used up all the brown, frozen bananas in the fridge and made 3 loaves of banana bread. 2 for us, 1 for my family - I'll bake that one tomorrow so I can bring it upstate with me on Thursday. Something funky happened with my first loaf - maybe the baking soda is too old, or maybe it is just undercooked…it's delicious but Johnny is going to kill me because it seems really underdone and he is trying to protect me from myself in terms of what I put into my belly while pregnant. I think it's ok.

Also ran some errands - finally found something at Michelle NYC on Atlantic that I think my mom will like (this is going back to store credit I had there since the old days of Stuck & Dry - Feb 2014). I also got a gift for my sis there, for her 40th bday on Sunday. The events just keep coming! I haven't even mentioned that I have my 20th high school reunion on Saturday…looking forward to with dread.

MAT LEAVE: DAY 4

I have a ton of little things to do..maybe I am creating these little things as a way to keep myself busy…I am definitely staying busy, but also relaxing. Yesterday I had lunch at Ted & Honey (in the park), and started a book my sister had read - "Maya's Notebook". I am enjoying it a lot so far. I liked this quote from Maya's grandmother on p.7: "Look, kiddo, there are moments when a person has no control over their own life - things happen, that's all." This feels like one of those times for me, on a number of levels.

I walked to Target and later went to the Gap - got some much needed maternity shirts for summer. Popped by Babies R Us in city - holy consumption glut…it was an overwhelming experience and I had to leave. Got my moles checked out by Dermatologist (all good!) and then tried to throw some clothes away at home.

A good mix of nice day with getting things done…

MAT LEAVE: 1ST WEEKEND

Thursday (5/7) I headed upstate to be with my family. There is a lot going on there, a lot of sadness, a lot happening in terms of the other spectrum of the cycle of life…but I'll save that for another day. It's enough to say right now that I will be going upstate quite a bit over these next few months.

I came back on Saturday so that Johnny and I could go to the second half of our birthing class on Sunday. We had dinner with Clappi at Jack that night. Class on Sunday was good - kind of adds to the anxiety around the birthing experience as much as it does mentally prepare you…I kind of wonder whether going in blind is not a better approach…ignorance is bliss as they say…

After class, we caught the afternoon showing of X Machina - enjoyable - down at Battery Park City, followed by some ice cream from Shake Shack (free cup of red velvet for Mother's Day!), a stroll to Tear Drop Park and then to Battery Park to lounge and read the papers. It was really nice. We wrapped up with Whole Foods, Blue Apron for dinner, and Game of Thrones for dessert (plus, actual dessert).

1 year, nearly 3 months later...

So here I am, after nearly 1 year and 3 months of not writing. And a lot has changed. A LOT. Related to the topic at hand with this blog, the biggest change is that I am pregnant! 36 weeks pregnant. I don't want to jinx myself and say I am in the homestretch, but many would say, I am indeed in the homestretch.

It feels like a gaping black hole to have not written for such a long, critical time in the "process" or, in my "journey". There is such a lot that I could fill you in on but I don't feel like going there right now.

The sun is shining, its 80-something degrees. I am on my 5th day of maternity leave, and I don't want to talk about how I got here and what I went through, right now at least. Right now, I want to switch gears. I want to talk about all the ways I am embracing this generous generous amount of leave that my company has given me. I want to take some notes, leave some thoughts, and share some thinking if not every day, than nearly every day, so I can remember this time and know that I have not let it go to waste. Keep me honest, blog.

So let me bring you up to speed on what I have been up to since I left the office and didn't look back on Thursday afternoon….

Stuck

This blog is about me being "stuck". Not just when it comes to pregnancy, but in life in a more general sense. Maybe this blog can help me, in even a little way, to get myself "unstuck". And in that way, maybe it is a place I can capture things that inspire me, that will help me to move forward, as well as documenting the more mundane and, frankly, depressing aspects of my day to day related to fertility. Let's see how it goes, that is all I can say. But on the more humorous, and uplifting side, here is another "manifesto" of sorts that I liked a lot.

Im back

It's been over a year since I wrote that last, and my first, post. Lots has happened and nothing has happened. I am realizing how depressing that post is. Why would anyone want to read that? Is this for me, or for other people? Why do I feel like this is a form of sitting here and feeling sorry for myself. Or, is it cathartic? Who knows. I am going to try it for a bit and see how it goes and what it might evolve into. At the very least, yes - hopefully there is some catharsis in getting it out. And at best? Who knows. Not even sure what I want out of it when it comes right down to it. I don't want this to be all gloom and doom and about my "struggles". That is so lame. And it is not the full picture. I have so much. And maybe that is worth capturing as well.

I saw this manifesto in the bathroom of Fedora on friday. I like it.

Encouraging news -

Just came across this article from ABC News, covering recent research by the Society for Assisted Reproductive Technology. The study shows that cumulative infertility treatments, like IVF, lead to greater success rates. A silver lining.

from "Pregnant!" to not in the span of a week...

Last week I found out I was six weeks* pregnant.

This week, I found out I was not. No heartbeat could be detected. The pregnancy was not viable.

By this weekend, my body forced me to believe what I wouldn't from the doctors. That pale shadow of our baby wanted out and the floodgates were unleashed. Thank goodness it was the weekend. Thank goodness for family. 

It was all so sudden. Such a rush when we got the good news. Such a blow when we got the bad news. With the down, there is an up - I got pregnant naturally. Something I was led to believe was not at all supposed to happen. Take it all with a grain of salt ladies. I don't think anything is set in stone.

*How did I not know I was 6 weeks pregnant before the six week point, you ask? If you were told what I was told about your chances of conceiving naturally, and if your bod was as irregular as mine, especially after having tried IVF this summer, I don't think you would have immediately though "pregnant!" after a 50+ day cycle either. 

so dry & stuck,  stuck & dry - what is all this business...

after my body's failure to respond during my 1st IVF cycle (July 2012), I started going to a fertility acupuncture specialist - the Yinova Center. They are supposed to be the best in NYC. During my first visit, which included an analysis of my situation, I was told that I am a mix of "dry and stuck", in terms of my body's fertility type. Seemed like pretty perfect descriptors, and a pretty perfect name for my blog. 

For more info on the 4 different fertility types, link here. From what I know, one of the founders of Yinova also wrote this book - The Fertility Plan - and at the core of "the plan" are four different fertility types, based on chinese medicine. Knowing which "type" you are, will help you better figure out a treatment plan, and what you can do differently (lifestyle decisions) to help set you up for greater success with fertility.

You've heard of the wall street 1%. Well, how about the infertile 6%? 

According to 2006-2010 data from the Center for Disease Control (CDC), 6% of married women in the US age 15-44, are infertile. That's 1.4 Million women. To set things straight - infertility is defined as women who have been trying for at least 12 months to get pregnant with no luck. 

I am one of the 6%. My husband and I "started trying" (gag - I know) over a year ago. Nothing much was happening, but it wasn't until a gynecologist check up and subsequent blood testing this past winter that we learned something was up. In short - I have a very low egg count. While it has been difficult to get a truly robust understanding of my situation, what I do know is that no matter what the cause (nature versus nurture), my situation isn't good. 

I liken my ovaries to a perpetually stalling engine. No matter how much you push on the gas, they just won't take. That's kind of how I understand my crazy hormone (LH) spikes - my brain is sending the signal (pushing the pedal) to my ovaries to ovulate each month, but my ladies are pretty much hoarding their remaining reserve of eggs. No touch. They are protective, and I can respect that. Just doing their best in light of the situation.

So that brings me to this blog. I realize there are many many blogs out there already, and many devoted to the personal plights of women and men related to infertility. What good is throwing another one into the mix? Well, with that attitude, what newness would ever come out of the world. Google wouldn't exist and I'd still be getting answers from askjeeves.com. 

This blog is mostly for me, but clearly it is public, and I am opening up to you all as well. I am approaching it as an iterative outlet - who knows how it will turn out. But ultimately, I am trying to bring some enlightenment AND lightness to the situation, for myself and for others in a similar situation as me.